My Items

I'm pretty woo woo these days. Without the constant badgering of my depression, I'm open to more viewpoints. Apart from ketamine, I've been doing esoteric research into things like remote viewing. I feel that I understand reality differently. There's a big change coming. Been feeling it since my 20s. Things are going to get really bad, but if we can keep our heads down we'll be fine. Democracy will prevail, and the fascists will be defeated again.

I'm still kicking. My best friend in the whole died, Romeo, my dog. It's been rough. The ketamine infusion after his death was extremely painful, but I was able to release a lot of anguish. I'm still recovering from the loss. Got a new dog, but he's a rescue, and is an asshole. Got a new job, invention is coming out. Still lonely though. That period of intentional rest lasted about a year. Got a little out of control being a couch potato, didn't gain weight though, just relaxed. Have a new job that is quite easy, with accolades, because the existing people are so useless, I have to dumb it down. My invention is about to take off, I can feel it. Did some pics with a buddy, tried to pay him for website and the pics, but ended up doing it myself because he was either too busy, or wasn't interested in peanut pay.

So many unpleasant thoughts seared into my brain around Xmas. Envy of other kids presents Envy of other adults presents Stress of getting a present Stress of liking a present Will it be enough to show/prove my love or worth? The xmas lights are nice to see while I'm walking. They bring me back to the house on Livingston CT, when things were still good I remember making a huge deal about my present with Jen. That was a huge overreaction. I know it came from a desire to control in adulthood, what I couldn't control as a child. At least I've learned lessons from all of this. Can't treat people like employees Can't expect them to read your mind Family isn't a bad thing I need human connection

I'm trying very hard to enjoy this period of intentional rest. The hours I do spend are barely enough to exercise my tech brain. I really, really, really want something productive to do. I'm pretty stuck in the house, in my holding pattern. I know I need to get out of the house, and into nature, but I always find reasons not to. It's cold, gas money, potential problems, nobody to share it with... Random stuff: I bought the dual battery kit for my jeep, so I won't get stranded if my aux battery dies. I reupped my mindbloom, and went to an integration circle zoom. It reminded me of the other tools in my toolbelt. Saw a therapist twice, but didn't like her. My dog hurt his neck badly, so a few trips to the vet later, one with xrays, he's fine, just needs forced rest. Fuck me, I'm lonely. I started making my own subliminals with audacity, it's not hard, and free. I need to get another dog, but don't want him to be jealous. Neither of my exes had responded to my texts in quite some time, and I was feeling pretty sad, but one texted yesterday. Her kitty is getting put to sleep today. It's tough to separate my feelings from the feelings of others, empathy hasn't helped me much, but it keeps me out of trouble. I just keep reminding myself that I'm safe. I have safety nets, and it's pretty hard to take someone's house.

Got shot down on my system, without a demo. Was a let down, but I know my worth, and all my code works, in my own azure servers, so I don't need anything from my previous employers. I'm so bored, I need another job. Lots of applications, interview or two, it's only a matter of time. Trying to relax. Taking this time as an intentional period of rest. I'm not struggling, financially. Thinking about the future, thinking about a tiny home in NM, near my brother, or Remote View Ranch. Given climate change, I'll only have a small window to sell my house in Phoenix, when the coasts start to go under water. They'll need somewhere to run to, and Phoenix is already a hotspot for housing. And one of my heroes has turned into the villain. Bye, elon.

I sent off a text to an old work buddy of mine, to get next steps advice for my system. So now, I'm in a slight holding pattern, and I don't know what to do with myself. I know intentional periods of rest are important, so that's what I'm doing. I kinda want to just get bought out, and have someone else call the shots, but I'm keeping my internal decisions/desires light, to see how things play out. The text was me setting my project free into the universe. The universe loves action, the hard part, writing the code, is done. I'm still working on odds and ends on it, but it's basically ready to meet the onslaught of a customer. My anxiety has been a constant companion during my rest period. I've learned how to use it for fuel to get work done, now I need to figure out how to get it to be quiet when needed. The new show on Netflix: "How to change your mind" is quite good, although I'm bummed they missed Ketamine as a psychedelic.

This is so damn scary, but also so damn exciting, but so scary! I'm nearing design parity with my old system vs new system. This basically means it's time to *sell* my product back to my previous employer, with massive upgrades, as a full replacement. Then, sell to everyone else that uses the same system, rinse and repeat, make millions. I'm building an entire tech business in secret, alone. I know it'll succeed in my gut, but damn, this is stressful. Ketamine these days: Lets me focus my thoughts on things that I *want* to think about, vs the worrying, negging, bad programming thoughts that creep in. Grabs my stress, and rips it out of me in the form of tears. My subconscious latches onto the first thing that'll make me cry, and bursts the levy. I read somewhere, cortisol, the stress hormone, only leaves your body through sweat or tears, so this makes sense.

Had some negativity seep in after deploying my latest release last week. Did two Mindblooms a few days apart, still struggling for some reason. It's a complete stability release, only meant for faster response, so it's likely nobody will notice the improvement. I'm the only one that can do this, but I'm still anxious that they'll axe me, especially now that it's crazy stable, no need for me to fix stuff... I have enough in the bank for 6 months of bills, but it's still nerve wracking. I keep repeating to myself that those are just fears. Thought forms that come and go. I will NOT be a slave to the last thought-form that went careening through my conciousness! I'm the only one that can maintain this system. The mouthbreather we hired to help me, is just... not. I suck at interviewing. The guy had all the answers, and they just sits on his ass, refusing to work on the tasks I've given him. wtf. oh well. not my problem, I'm just a contractor. Tried to get my old buddy into the .net side, but he has a family, so I'll probably have to figure it out on my own.

I'm working sooo very hard, and it's so very much fun. So many hours, doing the exact same damn thing as I used to, build data warehouses for juuuust billion dollar companies. Only this time it's on servers I own, writing code on my time, in the Azure cloud, which is already production, just need to buy the licenses. My day: Wake up, go for a walk, check on last night's progress, code. Play video games, get bored, code. Take a shower, code. Take a nap, code. Drink and watch tv, or drink and code? Why is it different? Because it's for myself. I'm coding my own private software offering, which is essentially a "tech startup". I can see how the startup culture craze could go to one's head. Companies have been paying me for years to build this for them. I've distilled the last 13 years of my professional life in Franchising, for membership recurring revenue based service models. I've done the math, it's good for the consumer, great for the business. I've got the juice, and the (secret) sauce. Downside is that my secret sauce is made of of Microsoft SSIS packages, which can be reverse engineered. So what did I do? I architected my private offering to be easily reverse engineered. No self-respecting corporation, at this revenue level, is going to let their business logic be hosted (essentially held hostage) by a software developer. I've got two options: Licensing (hosted hostage), or Full Install (bulk payday) with Licensing for upgrades. hehe: Hosted is hostage, unless you have the source code

In the absence of light, all you need is a spark, and some resources. Got my hours limited to 15, then my chihuahua Tomato died, she was 16, and ready to go. It's been a stressful couple of weeks, but my bank balance just crested 50k, so it brings me comfort, being financially stable. I still make more than before at 15 hours, so I just take that energy, and pour it into my future business. Bought a Microsoft Surface 8 Pro, so I can be the digital nomad I always wanted to be. Now, to get back out of the house.... Azure virtual machines are awesome. They made all the performance counters visual, and front and center. Fist bump, Microsoft! They suckered me in with $200 in free cloud services, which is just as good as crack to a techie. I'm now a paying customer, and I just upgraded one of my servers to the 350/month tier, to get my job to process the full dump, then I can resize it back down to the 100/month size tier. Mindbloom has been pivotal, I think. I gave my little honey a few days, then I got back up on my horse. little teary writing that, I miss her dearly. Couldn't find Spike's collar to be with hers, tore the house apart, I think I found an old one, so it'll have to be enough. My other youtube friends (tools): Hypnodaddy, Unlock Your Life, Michael Sealey Had a dream about Dad the other day, sitting in the back seat of my truck, chillin.

I feel like the chains are off. The chains that have been binding me for so long. I kinda knew they were there, but felt I needed them, wtf is up what that? The power of corporate america to brainwash their conscripts is... troublesome. I'm charging $150/hour to write code for a company that I really wasn't pleased with, and still having the time of my life. I'm writing code at... 8:27pm... because I *want* to, to complete my vision. I was getting paid $61.01/hour before. I had to answer to my manager once a week in a "one on one". Those meetings usually were asking me where I was in my current project, in which my estimates were disregarded, and me telling them why I could not meet their unrealistic deadlines. I had health insurance, but I will in a few days, thanks to Obamacare, so, I'm kind of just frakking done with being an *employee, after I get tired of my easy 9-5. My current task master, who was my previous manager, who has given me zero direction, is just saying "This is approved" when I submit my detailed weekly invoices, for between $5,775 and $7,950. My manifested thought pattern is for them to think "This guy saved our asses by still working for us, we'll pay whatever he wants, and let him do his thing until he asks for direction." They've finally figured out that if they just give me what I ask for, stay out of my way, answer my questions, all they have to do is just be patient for a few days, and wait for me to poop out gold. Pretty sure they've figured out that I'll just move on to the next challengingly awesome thing I choose to create for them. Because I'm a builder. I build things for fun. Large things, to help many people, at the same time. My IsBe needs problems to solve. Solving problems completes me, the more difficult, the more reward for being awesome. I want to create a universe that I can be happy in, where I can help people by being my awesome self, and fix problems. I want to ride on a white horse, or maybe a pony? Either way, I'm gonna get frakking PAID. Buy some property on a mountain, pop a squat with StarLink, and wait for the flood that hopefully will not come.

My work self has been looking for a home for so long... Work parents that care about me, and want to help me to succeed? I don't think it's gonna happen. Was high time I put on my big boy panties and did it myself. Mission Accomplished: Fat Stacks! Old company has paid 3 of my invoices so far, one in the mail, one currently populating. My credit card is now paid off. I'm on frakking fire. Building infrastructure like it's legos, except those lego structures hold millions of dollars in daily operational sales data, whoa snap! I bought myself a Samsung 85" Quantum Dot LED TV, and it's glorious. I have a frakking movie screen in my living room. New towels, sheets, pillow cases, KVM switch, super desk incoming. My new company is so slow. They are paying me to do nothing, and I need to be patient. I have things to keep my mind busy while they figure things out. Day 67 of 50mg/day. Missing days here and there, almost out. Paranoid that my brain chemistry will frak me up. I have a visual of a cell, pushing it's pieces out, trying to pierce it's own membrane to get out. The area outside of the membrane is scary, but I don't think it's going to hurt me, as long as I'm careful when/where/how I'm extending. I think the zoloft is strengthening that barrier, and it's breaking down. The membrane no longer serves Me. I no longer have to hold Myself in. There is no spoon.